sigmastolen: (ter'angreal)
Right, sticky post and all that. I'm Sigma, and this is my "creative journal" (as opposed to my personal journal in which I complain a lot and tell uninteresting stories). I'm a musician, I am very shy on the internet, and lately I mostly lurk. I have been a writer of fanfic and a sketcher of fanart, both of which can be found here -- well. I'm working on the fanart, its appearance here depends on the size of the Heap Of Clutter that I pile on top of my desk (and scanner). Also, of late I have tried my hand at making icons.

Now: a Masterlist! Organized alphabetically by fandom, For Your Convenience :D

Angel )

Doctor Who )

Harry Potter )

In Plain Sight )

Inception )

Torchwood )

Other )
sigmastolen: (ter'angreal)
omg i had the most traumatic dream this morning

so for whatever reason i was going to play bassoon and contra with ucla for this concert (not at the hollywood bowl but at a venue not unlike the bowl) -- the first piece was some kind of partially-staged concert version of la boheme which they didn't need me for, then, like, a strauss and a mahler? i don't actually know. anyway. because this was a dream, my parents were coming to the concert and so we were all driving together and also i think i hadn't been to any rehearsals and was going to be sightreading in the concert (which maestro generally wouldn't permit in real life).

anyway so we get to the venue and find our seats (in the second or third row, but on the end -- this was due to some complex seating algorithm involving how close to the concert date you purchased your tickets) and i take out my contrabassoon reed to soak it and realize at that point that i don't think i brought my instruments, and i start to freak out. so i take the car keys and run back to the car and, yep, they're not there. so then i run back to my parents to give back the keys and it's a few minutes after 8 (when downbeat was supposed to be) but on my run i saw "rolling hills" curtis in the audience and i might be able to borrow his instruments, so i tell that to maestro and promise to be right back. i go and find paul and ask to borrow his horns, i have my own reeds, and yeah, i can borrow his bassoon, it's right here, but he doesn't have his contra on him (because who would, honestly), and so i say thank you thank you thank you i can make it work (and i see dan a few seats away and he looks hurt that i'm not asking to borrow his bassoon but he doesn't even have a contrabassoon and two birds with one stone, man) (and i'm also mentally swearing and thinking i'll never get a gig in this town again) and i grab his case and start to run back to the stage

and then i woke up in a cold sweat
sigmastolen: (ter'angreal)
something is very wrong when a hallmark ad can trigger a breakdown

and i'm not even sure if it's wrong with me, or the world

i mean, surely society is at fault for embedding these feelings of wrongness, and loneliness, and inadequacy in me just because i don't have a significant other

right?
sigmastolen: (ter'angreal)
ok i complain a lot about feeling trapped and isolated by living at home

but hands-down the worst thing is being able to hear my parents having sex
sigmastolen: (ter'angreal)
i've actually been wanting to post a crazytalk entry for a few days except i've been too busy devoting every waking moment to reading a memory of light to even type it

and now that that's done i already have a wicked bookover so

i guess not yet
sigmastolen: (Default)
however: the last six days are the longest stretch i have gone without feeling intensely awful and crying suddenly about nothing/everything for at least two months, so there's that.

to absolutely do tomorrow: begin aldeburgh application; spend some serious quality time with contrabassoon
to maybe do tomorrow: comic shop?

idk it's still been a little rough, a little like i'm experiencing the world from a great distance, but for a few days, at least, i was feeling like i'd maybe taken a step into the light. i was feeling... galvanized? like i had Things To Do and, finally, the ability to actually do them without being overwhelmed or falling apart or being too afraid to begin. yesterday and today, i'm still trying to do the things but my burst of energy seems to have dissipated; i'm not sure how to go on from here.

also all the gratuitous boozing on bsg is making me really want a drink. or to maybe buy a secret bottle of whiskey or some such just to have on hand and also to have something to put in the flask. no no that is the worst idea ever i won't actually but man i really could use a drink.
sigmastolen: (Default)
today i cried unusually copiously and then i started to gag and choke and i thought i had literally cried myself sick
but it turns out i am just falling ill
sigmastolen: (Default)
i know i'm not always the most engaging person to be around -- i am fundamentally pretty quiet, and i tend to fall silent if i am uncomfortable, unhappy, or if i feel like i don't have anything to contribute. but it's just -- so. awful. to to be in a room with someone and feel completely invisible. and tonight wasn't the first time and it won't be the last.

and i feel bad for having been less than sparkling because it really, honestly, was not about me, and i feel guilty for being in such an awful, fucked-up place when i have a guest who i only see about once a year, because i don't want to waste our time together moping and i don't want to be a drag on the even shorter time she has with other dear friends, but i also can't help feeling awful? and the invisibility is kind of out of my control. and then also mountain goats and too many feelings and is it weird that music triggers major mood alterations? are there people for whom that is not the case? is there a way to avoid that happening? because it would probably be nice if i didn't start shaking every time i hear certain songs, or lose control of my hands and start wringing them and compulsively toying with my scarf and shit. that would be really, really nice. because i'll say i'm fine -- i'll always say i'm fine -- but agitated hands and, you know, occasionally blinking back tears tend to make people think that isn't the case

and all this is stupid, so, so stupid, because wasn't i just saying that i wanted someone to notice? people are noticing. but i don't want to rock the boat

and it's just so, so fucked all of it is so fucked this is terrible i need to go to sleep.

image
sigmastolen: (ter'angreal)
i didn't call you tonight. today was horrible and all i wanted was to ask if i could come see you and have a hug and pretend that i'm not so isolated and that people remember that i'm here and a person. but someone asked me to get a drink with her and a bunch of her friends that i'd never met and i was in the city where you live and i drove right past your apartment and i didn't call and i didn't text even though my thumb was hovering over the button and i had three separate crises about it and i almost cried. and i went to a new place and i met some new people and i had a fine time and i didn't call you and i can't tell if that's willpower or if it's just more crippling insecurity but i didn't call you and i had fun and tomorrow i'll do it all again.
sigmastolen: (Default)













You Scored as HOUSE TULLY

You hail from House Tully. Your house seat is Riverrun in the Riverlands. As your motto says, you are all about your family and honor. You confide in friends and family first, and keep strangers at a distance. You cant always stand up for yourself, but you would never betray your friends to get ahead. A true good guy in this world. Your house motto: Family, Duty, and Honor.

Picture is Copyright © RMB



HOUSE TULLY

85%

HOUSE STARK

80%

HOUSE TYRELL

75%

HOUSE LANNISTER

65%

HOUSE GREYJOY

50%

HOUSE MARTELL

50%

HOUSE ARRYN

50%

HOUSE TARGARYEN

35%

HOUSE BARATHEON

35%

HOUSE FREY

25%







I've taken this quiz twice now, once before reading the books, and both times it's called me a Tully. Lysa is cray and Edmure's a total failboat, but Cat and Brynden are pretty cool?
sigmastolen: (Default)
Okay, so I'm reading John Green's Looking for Alaska -- YA book, brilliant outcasts at a boarding school in Alabama, recommended by my brother -- and in the scene I just read, the narrator and his friends play a drinking game: Best Day/Worst Day, in which:
Everybody tells the story of their best day. The best storyteller doesn't have to drink. Then everybody tells the story of their worst day, and the best storyteller doesn't have to drink. Then we keep going, second best day, second worst day, until one of y'all quits.

Because it's nearly three and I get more introspective in the dead of night and I get most introspective when I spend all my time by myself all day every day (except for my parents and my cats, basically), I tried to think of my best and worst day. And plenty of terrible days leap to mind (the day my nana died, the day she fell and broke her hip coming to my band concert, breakups, failed exams, horrific awkwardness, goodbyes), but I have a really difficult time trying to think of "best days." I know I'm not sad all the time; I know I have friends and family who love me and do fun things with me and I know I have accomplished a lot of things to be proud of. But what does it say about me, that "best days" don't spring to mind with the same readiness as "worst days"? What does it say, that my memory glosses over good times into a haze of "yeah, that was all right;" that I have to unpack "best days" from boxes and dust them off before I know them for what they are, but "worst days" are poised for immediate recollection and polished to a high sheen?

And why is it that the absolute happiest memories are but fleeting moments of shining perfection (a kiss at sunset; the applause during a curtain call; a gripping performance; reaching an overlook and seeing the world spread out before me), but the worst memories and drag out and cast their pall over days, weeks, or even months? Even the "best days" that gradually drift to the surface are tempered with moderate-to-large amounts of melancholy, sorrow, or frustration.

But I guess the point of this post is that I have such difficulty thinking of my "best day," and I find that unspeakably sad.
sigmastolen: (Default)
One thing (of many) that I really miss about living in Davis is the Yellow-Billed Magpie:



I think I've seen a couple around my neighborhood in LB, but nothing close to the tidings of magpies I'd see in Davis daily -- and, of course, none in Pittsburgh, because the Yellow-Billed Magpie is found only in California. Anyway, I was reading about magpies on Wikipedia and it says:
This bird is extremely susceptible to West Nile virus. Between 2004 and 2006 it is estimated that 50% of all Yellow-billed Magpies died of the virus.

… And it just made me incredibly sad, that's all.
sigmastolen: (Default)
Title: In Dreams
Author: Sigma ([livejournal.com profile] sigmastolen)
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Rating: G
Summary: Buffy and Faith make a kind of peace, mid-Graduation Day part 2
Words: 100
Disclaimer: BTVS and characters thereof are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement is intended; I'm merely playing, and making no profit.
Notes: This isn't really a thing; it just struck me while I was watching this episode and then it was 100 words so I took it as a sign.

'Take what you need,' Faith says. )
sigmastolen: (Default)
Guess who likes Lana Del Rey and has learned to use the blur tool?
<--THIS BITCH.

I'm actually quite pleased with this one.


darling, darling, doesn't have a problem
lying to herself 'cause her liquor's top shelf


… In other news, I've been drawing again and I may actually scan some things sometime. Yay.
sigmastolen: (Default)
My bassoon quartet played a gig at a senior center recently. After the performance, while we were packing up, we did some Q&A with the audience. Someone asked how we all started playing bassoon, so we went around the arc to answer, and it mostly went, “it was the biggest one!” or “my band teacher conned me into it.” My story, however, went a little like this:
I used to play clarinet, and in elementary school, I was the best one. But in middle school, I stopped being the best. I didn’t like that very much, so I decided to find something new to be the best at. One day we were watching Fantasia in class, at at the beginning of the Rite of Spring sequence — you know, the one with the dinosaurs — the teacher asked us what instrument was playing the solo. I said, “Oboe!” and I was wrong: it was a bassoon. And I decided that that was the instrument for me. And nobody else at my middle school played it, so I was automatically the best again!

And power-hungry Slytherin loved those of great ambition
… I know how you guys like to tell me I'm a Ravenclaw, and it's sweet! But inaccurate.
sigmastolen: (Default)
One of my favorite things to do when I am bored (or procrastinating) is to look back at the titles of papers I have written, and laugh at how awesome/pretentious I am.  Some greatest hits:

How the World that Is Came to Be: Mythological Roots of Middle Earth
What do Revelling Fairies have to do with Anything?  An Analysis of the Metatheatrical Dimensions of A Midsummer Night's Dream
Bewitching Macbeth with Ambition: The Weïrd Sisters as Objective Correlative
Bushisms: Executive Neologistical Patterns
Rife with Rhetoric: Text Setting in Handel's Ode to St. Cecilia
A Sound Structure: Sonata Form in Haydn's String Quartet in G, Op. 64, No. 4
Schubert's "Gretchen am Spinnrade" vs. the Standards of Greatness, or, Nobody can ever be as good as Beethoven (this was extra sassy because I was really pissed about this class)
Bizet & Tchaikowsky, Nineteenth-Century Musical Isms, and the Panromanogermanic Bias
In Babylon, Gentle Voices Wail Their Sorrow: Schoenberg's Love Life and The Book of the Hanging Gardens
The Ceremony of Innocence is Drowned: Ambiguity, Homosexuality, and Exoticism in The Turn of the Screw (including section headings "Homosexuality in Britain" and "Homosexuality and Britten" because I like to think I'm clever)
Death and Disorder: The Sacrificial Victim in a Corrupt Community, and Why It Doesn't Work
Peter Grimes's Interludes: A Love Song
Renaissance Polyphony for the Modern Bassoonist: John Steinmetz's Sonata for Bassoon and Piano, II. Browning
sigmastolen: (Default)
I might be getting better at this graphics thing? Maybe?
No?
Whatever, man.

I have learned some new tricks since my last forays into making graphics, and I felt like giving it another go. I had all these caps from Torchwood 2.01 "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" lying around, so I… did this:


Torchwood | 2.01 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
Captain Jack Harkness: What’s to fix? You don’t mess with this level of perfection.
sigmastolen: (Default)
Despite the fact that I am clearly not very good at this Photoshop thing (so bad at it, in fact, that the graphics editor I use isn't even Photoshop), I keep on trying. Here are some things I made and slapped on Tumblr. (meagre skills are meagre!)

1. Spike and Drusilla )

2. Lilah Morgan + Rihanna )

3. My magnum opus: Lilah Morgan in the Choke A Bitch picspam )
sigmastolen: (bassoonists do it with their thumbs)
So I realized I didn't cross-post the last twelve days of the 30 Days of Classical Music meme, because I am the worst. So! Here we go!

Day 19 - A classical music piece from your favorite album )

Day 20 - A classical music piece that you listen to when you're angry )

Day 21 - A classical music piece that you listen to when you're happy )

Day 22 - A classical music piece that you listen to when you're sad )

Day 23 - A classical music piece that you want to play at your wedding )

Day 24 - A classical music piece that you want to play at your funeral )

Day 25 - A classical music piece that makes you laugh )

Day 26 - A classical music piece that you can play on an instrument )

Day 27 - A classical music piece that you wish you could play )

Day 28 - A classical music piece that makes you feel guilty )

Day 29 - A classical music piece from your childhood )

Day 30 - Your favorite classical music piece at this time last year )

So!  This has been a meme!  I feel… very liberated, now that it's over.  It's a weirdly heavy obligation, posting a specific thing every day.  Next time I do one of these, I'm going to plan it out beforehand, instead of jumping in with both feet and winging it.  Then again, the next time I do one of these, it will probably involve essays and/or picspams, because that's supposed to be the point of these memes, right?  …. I think I'll take a while off.

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