Nov. 19th, 2012

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i know i'm not always the most engaging person to be around -- i am fundamentally pretty quiet, and i tend to fall silent if i am uncomfortable, unhappy, or if i feel like i don't have anything to contribute. but it's just -- so. awful. to to be in a room with someone and feel completely invisible. and tonight wasn't the first time and it won't be the last.

and i feel bad for having been less than sparkling because it really, honestly, was not about me, and i feel guilty for being in such an awful, fucked-up place when i have a guest who i only see about once a year, because i don't want to waste our time together moping and i don't want to be a drag on the even shorter time she has with other dear friends, but i also can't help feeling awful? and the invisibility is kind of out of my control. and then also mountain goats and too many feelings and is it weird that music triggers major mood alterations? are there people for whom that is not the case? is there a way to avoid that happening? because it would probably be nice if i didn't start shaking every time i hear certain songs, or lose control of my hands and start wringing them and compulsively toying with my scarf and shit. that would be really, really nice. because i'll say i'm fine -- i'll always say i'm fine -- but agitated hands and, you know, occasionally blinking back tears tend to make people think that isn't the case

and all this is stupid, so, so stupid, because wasn't i just saying that i wanted someone to notice? people are noticing. but i don't want to rock the boat

and it's just so, so fucked all of it is so fucked this is terrible i need to go to sleep.

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today i cried unusually copiously and then i started to gag and choke and i thought i had literally cried myself sick
but it turns out i am just falling ill

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sigmastolen

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