p.s. have some drama
Mar. 15th, 2009 04:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sigmastolenSo. Thursday was Orchestra Concert.1. Thursday was also when I saw Jay for the first time since all the shit went down.
I was in the library talking to Z and I realised I needed to change. So on my way to my locker I walked past the orchestra room, where the YMF Debut Orchestra was warming up. I looked in to see who the bassoonists were and there he was, playing his bass. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me, as it was just a glance through the doorway, and maybe it's better that way? Because this was a shock (especially to find him in one of MY places) and I almost lost it, but now the initial awful part is out of the way and I'll be more in control if I have to interact with him. It was pretty bad, though. I let it get to me and I almost cried but then I needed to change clothes and play a concert so I didn't and I did and I almost lost it onstage because the Prokofiev was so intense but I held it together and then afterwards I followed Z home and cried a lot.
I almost didn't get up the next day. Or rather, I got up, showered, dressed, and then laid back down and then I almost didn't get up again. I have too much of a complex about being Needed during the course of the day, though.
I want him to hurt. Why should he get to live his life? It isn't fair that he is so unaffected when I hurt so much. Part of the reason I've been able to keep going is pretending that nothing happened and he doesn't exist, and then he was right there in the building and I couldn't pretend anymore and that was a pretty awful shock, too.
I suggested two things at the time -- that we find his car and key it, or that Z punch him in the face for me. Z informed me that I didn't actually want to do either of those things. Having thought about it, I don't think I was serious about keying his car, but I'm pretty sure I meant it about punching him in the face.
Maybe the worst part about knowing he was there, though, was that today I entered the building with my stomach in knots, anxious that I might run into him (I didn't, of course). I don't want to live in fear like this.
:C
I was in the library talking to Z and I realised I needed to change. So on my way to my locker I walked past the orchestra room, where the YMF Debut Orchestra was warming up. I looked in to see who the bassoonists were and there he was, playing his bass. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me, as it was just a glance through the doorway, and maybe it's better that way? Because this was a shock (especially to find him in one of MY places) and I almost lost it, but now the initial awful part is out of the way and I'll be more in control if I have to interact with him. It was pretty bad, though. I let it get to me and I almost cried but then I needed to change clothes and play a concert so I didn't and I did and I almost lost it onstage because the Prokofiev was so intense but I held it together and then afterwards I followed Z home and cried a lot.
I almost didn't get up the next day. Or rather, I got up, showered, dressed, and then laid back down and then I almost didn't get up again. I have too much of a complex about being Needed during the course of the day, though.
I want him to hurt. Why should he get to live his life? It isn't fair that he is so unaffected when I hurt so much. Part of the reason I've been able to keep going is pretending that nothing happened and he doesn't exist, and then he was right there in the building and I couldn't pretend anymore and that was a pretty awful shock, too.
I suggested two things at the time -- that we find his car and key it, or that Z punch him in the face for me. Z informed me that I didn't actually want to do either of those things. Having thought about it, I don't think I was serious about keying his car, but I'm pretty sure I meant it about punching him in the face.
Maybe the worst part about knowing he was there, though, was that today I entered the building with my stomach in knots, anxious that I might run into him (I didn't, of course). I don't want to live in fear like this.
:C
