shroud ourselves in the cosmos; let the music play

So, this quarter, and the past month in particular, has made me realise that I'm okay with being single right now, because honestly? I have no room in my life to try to accommodate another person. I barely don't have time to take care of all my own shit, and I've already had to miss a ton of orchestra and that makes me sad and guilty.

That said, I finally have a crush on someone that I don't immediately dismiss when I think about it, like I did the various people I took interest in last spring. And despite not being able to act on it because I have no time (see above), I'm pleased that it is happening, for two main reasons:
- it means I'm not ruined for life
- it's my first crush on a girl who isn't a celebrity, so it's new and exciting. Saxophone, first year masters (or DMA maybe? i'm not actually sure), v. butch, v. laid-back, orch manager, adorable faux-hawk. She might have a gf? I don't know. But that's okay because I have no time.

So yeah. *shrug*

In other news, new orchestra angst! SO MUCH ORCHESTRA ANGST.
1) I am on the roster for the Messiah orchestra (extravaganza with choirs)
2) I have a concert of contemporary chamber music during one of the dress rehearsals, which I feel it is important to note was not on the original schedule. Actually, we weren't even given a schedule for the whole quarter, just concert dates and a schedule for the first rotation, and even though this is the way the concerts with choir have worked out every other time, if it wasn't on the schedule they can't really punish us for not making the assumption that it would be the same this year
3) I was not expecting to be in the Messiah orchestra, because I thought we might be doing the smaller orchestration AND I assumed that Maestro would pick New Masters Student over me SO I figured that either way the chamber concert wouldn't present a conflict for me personally and if the various string players weren't going to make a stink, neither would I (plus I did mention it but Chamber Coach scheduled it anyway)
4) I feel guilty about playing in approx. twice as much orchestra stuff as New Masters Student, because Maestro isn't warming up to her very much at all
5) I asked Maestro via e-mail this afternoon if maybe it wouldn't be better for New Masters Student to be in Messiah, since she is available for all the rehearsals, and he hasn't gotten back to me, which freaks me out because he is usually a prompt e-mailer
6) I just registered for the CBEST, which I have been meaning to do for ages, and it is a 4-hour test on the day of the other dress rehearsal, which is scheduled to begin an hour before the test will end, not to mention that my testing center is far the fuck away because I registered so late, so essentially I will miss some or all of both dress rehearsals
7) I don't want Maestro to hate me
8) I don't want New Masters Student to resent me
9) I like large-scale choral works in general and Messiah in particular, but I honestly just don't want to deal with being in it right now
10) I also don't want Orch Manager to hate me for having so many conflicts and making life difficult because she has a cute fauxhawk.

So I guess what I have to do now is e-mail again and be like, I'M SO SORRY BUT I REALLY REALLY CAN'T BE IN THIS CONCERT BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH OTHER SHIT GOING ON, UNLESS YOU HONESTLY HAVE ENOUGH BLIND FAITH IN ME TO EXCUSE ME FROM BOTH DRESS REHEARSALS WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T DO BECAUSE I AM, IN FACT, NON-ESSENTIAL PERSONNEL IN THIS SITUATION. Which gives me anxiety in and of itself.

Communication is hard, guys.

UPDATE!! Before I sent the CBEST e-mail, Maestro e-mailed back and says, "I'd still rather have you play. How much of the [Friday night] rehearsal would you need to miss?" So now I'm explaining about the CBEST and I'm so nervous about this, why? is this irrational nervousness? I just want him to liiiiiiiike meeeeeee. Which he apparently does or he wouldn't be so adamant about me playing this concert? SO WHY AM I SO NERVOUS AAAAAAAHHHHHH

OH AND ALSO! I got a haircut on Saturday and everyone keeps telling me it's cute but I am Not In Love With It. *pout* Am having a v. hard time making my peace with this one. ALSO!!! The lady was all, "IT'LL LOOK GREAT IF YOU FLAT-IRON IT :D" right after I said I don't have a flat iron and that I don't like them, and I wanted to say, "GEE, THANKS, I DON'T HAVE A FLAT IRON AND I DON'T WANT TO FLAT IRON MY HAIR AND I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TIME TO FLAT IRON MY HAIR EVERY DAY ANYWAY WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE IT SO IT LOOKS GREAT WITHOUT ME DOING ANYTHING TO IT?" Plus, she made everything too short. I'm not that bothered about the overall length, but I definitely wanted my bangs cheekbone-length and not eyebrow-length. Amelie haircut: DID NOT WANT, KTHX BUT NO THX. I don't think it suits my face. >:C

1. OH MY GOD BUSYWORK CLASS WTF.
- four hours of bad-quality video to watch (srsly one of them was so damaged that the screen blanked out every few seconds and the audio was wavering ALLLLLLL over the place. WTF BUSYWORK TEACHER YOU WANT US TO LEARN ABOUT CHORAL TEACHING BY NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE OR HEAR THE CLASS?)
- "video review" that contributes to a 30% chuck of the final grade, for which we have NO GUIDELINES WHATSOEVER THANKS FOR THAT
- five (+ about four more that were SEKRITLY STAPLED TOGETHER) articles (admittedly short) to read
- ONE-PARAGRAPH SUMMARIES of aforementioned articles (which I have not done and have very little intention to)
- take-home mini-quiz which BTW WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN THE LAST CLASS WAY TO GO WITH THE TIME MANAGEMENT BUSYWORK TEACHER
- random-ass songs to learn and analyse vowels of? I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
To sum up: WTF BUSYWORK CLASS GTFO

2. OMG BASSOON. WHERE DID ALL MY TCHAIK 4 MOJO GO? I swear it's all Charlie's fault, I felt happy about that excerpt until I started working on it with him. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF IT TOOK ME 3 YEARS OF NO CHARLIE TO GET MY SCHEHEREZADE MOJO BACK I DON'T HAVE 3 MORE YEARS FOR TCHAIK. Also: DEAR REEDS, STOP SUCKING PLS. KTHX.

3. DEAR WEATHER, WTF R U DOIN? It was cold and rainy, and then it was hot and muggy and today was foggy-but-superbright and then I was inside all day and then it was cold and I actually needed to use the heater in the car this evening. What??

4. Note to self: YOU CAN'T PEEL OUT WHEN IT'S RAINING. YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TRACTION FOR THAT. It's okay, though, it happened each time within the first 3 minutes I was driving and none of them were situations that required peeling out and there were no crashes or anything and then after it happened I remembered to accelerate more slowly.

5. ... I don't really know but I feel like there should be a 5. Look for a future post about Star Trek waffles? YES THEY EXIST THIS IS TRUFAX. I sort of wonder how Zoe Saldana feels about people eating her face on waffles. For that matter, also Chris Pine and Zach Quinto (<3 <3 <3)

6. omg i am watching so much star trek. I FOUND ALL THE CHANNELS THAT TOS AND TNG ARE ON AND I DVR THEM AND IT IS WONDERFUL. I LOVE STAR TREK LIKE BURNING.

7. I keep forgetting that having an ear infection is in fact "being sick" -- I run around doing all the things I would normally do and since I'm not coughing or sneezing or feverish or achy or nauseous, I don't actually consider it "being sick" except for the part where my ear sometimes feels funny/painful and I have to take MASSIVE HORSE PILLS three times a day. Except I keep spontaneously sleeping. On the couch in front of the TV, dozing lightly in the library in front of the VCR setup (I HATE YOU BUSYWORK CLASS), taking 3-hour naps in my parents' living room... Well, maybe that's not so unusual -- I tend to fall asleep/take extravagant naps every time I go home, it seems. But still. It's also waaay too hard to get up in the mornings. THANKS BUT NO THANKS, EAR INFECTION.

8. At least I don't have 'flu like my brother. Yeah, apparently today he has a 100-degree fever and coughing. GET YOUR FLU SHOTS, KIDS. Swine flu and seasonal flu. (o btw I was definitely misinformed about the whole "swine flu is the only flu active in the u.s." thing -- there is ALSO regular old seasonal influenza and you should DEFINITELY get flu shots for both kinds k? some of my family from norcal has already had both kinds this fall.)

9. Oh! So, I glimpsed DIAF through the door in a rehearsal for one of the youth orchestras that uses our facilities. And I, like, wanted to get mad and hurt, or I tried to, or something... but then I realised that I don't care enough to get hurt and I don't have the energy for it and, you know what? That felt good. I still kind of wanted to key his car. I didn't, though -- I wanted to go home and eat dinner more. More good, yeah? Heh.

10. My grandma has a guava tree in her back yard and it has FRUIT and some of them are RIPE and so yesterday when we were at her house for lunch my mum and I went out and picked guavas!! And persimmons! (OMG SO MANY PERSIMMON. SO MANY.) I LOVE GUAVAS. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT GUAVAS. THEY SMELL SO GOOD. AND OMG SO TASTY. I HAVE SO MANY GUAVAS. GUAVAS ARE LOVE. (corrolary: my family is love. SO MUCH LOVE.)

11. This business of being too busy for life sucks a lot, not least because it is making all of my LJ entries freakin' ENORMOUS. OH MY GOD INTERNET I MISS YOU SO MUCH

With... well, just me, really. No Jimmy Fallon, no Tina Fey, no Amy Poehler, sorry. (Can you tell from that list when I have watched SNL?)

FIRST!! I have seen NO FLEAS for the past few days. VICTORY IS MINE, Y/Y???

I cooked a lot this weekend! and by 'a lot' I actually mean that I made Rice-A-Roni (but hey, at least it's on the stove and not in the microwave, yes?), I steamed broccoli (this time in the microwave, but it was fresh broccoli), I baked cheese bread (this link goes to copperbadge's recipe, because he is brilliant. I used havarti, smoked provolone, and asiago as my cheeses. I had too much salt in the herb mix, and next time I'm definitely switching the oregano for rosemary because I don't particularly like oregano, and I left it in the oven slightly too long, but the bread came out a lot fluffier than the first time I tried it (with p'tit basque and asiago) which was lovely, and anyway, my brother liked it), and I made crepes (filled with Nutella, pear slices, and peach slices. whipped my own cream, too! whipping cream + sweet vermouth (which was admittedly a little strange) + a splash of almond extract + a heaping spoonful of sugar when that wasn't sweet enough + LOTS OF ELBOW GREASE EH because I don't have an electric hand mixer and couldn't be fucked to get down the stand mixer and dirty yet another bowl okay?) for breakfast today. Plus I made myself a martini last night, and mixing is almost like cooking, yes? (I needed to finish the old gin because I bought new gin and had to justify it. don't judge me okay??)

btw, for those of you who don't know, a martini is this:
in a shaker: ice, gin (I like Bombay Sapphire but I'm too posh for my own good), "fond memories of vermouth" (I actually use a liberal splash, but I love that quote. Who said that?). And everyone says "stir, don't shake, you'll bruise the gin!" but I can't be arsed really so I stick the top on and I turn it over once or twice and then I strain into a glass (a cocktail glass, properly, but we have no cocktail glasses (they were Roomie's -- man I should get my ass some cocktail glasses, and some wine glasses) so thus far at the new apartment I have strained martinis into margarita glasses and, last night, into a coffee mug because I desperately didn't want to make even more washing up for myself after doing the washing up, then cooking, then washing up again). Garnish with olives impaled on a cocktail sword or something, I generally stick two onto a toothpick and call it a fucking night. Or if you're posh and you don't fancy olives you could garnish with a twist (of lemon peel), but honestly, who wants to make a goddamn twist? Plus I like olives.

I didn't used to like olives. Funny. I wonder when it changed?

Anyway. I had myself a bit of a Torchwood marathon this weekend, in between cooking and washing up and going to the market and attending a family function. I had stopped in the middle of the first series before Children of Earth aired in July, and now I've finished that and gotten about half-way through the second series, which is considerably less mockable than the first series. (Not mock-proof, note. Just less mockable.) And I kept getting ideas for shit, and jotting them down in my "fragments" file. So I might start writing again, god save me. Fanfiction.

No, I'm not sure I mean that the way it came out. Many good fanfiction authors are very much Good Authors In General, or at least have the potential to be should they every quit their day jobs. And it's not shameful, to have ideas and create things inspired by something you're into. It's not inferior to original fiction, but it has that social stigma, like pretty much every aspect of fandom. And I'm done denying who I am, right? I'm embracing the things that make me who I am, especially the geekery, so you know what? I am an avid reader of fanfiction. And I have been a writer of fanfiction, and I may become one again.

It's kind of crazy that Torchwood has gotten so much under my skin. I love it on a campy sci-fi level, and a Gays On TV! level, and an Actors Are Attractive People level, and a caring-about-characters level, and a fandom-makes-awesome-things level (fic, art, vids, icons) -- but then there's also the meta things: I like to read what other fans think about episodes, characterisation, themes and messages, and other fans' ideas. And I have had a lot to think about because of fandom, and because of the way I personally react to this show. It's led me to define and articulate what I think about love, what I think about relationships, and it (and even more so Doctor Who) has reminded me to appreciate the wonder of the world and the people around me. I don't think I was this consumed by Animorphs, or X-Men, or Harry Potter, or even Lord of the Rings. None of those have been so... thinky for me. Well. LotR got pretty scholarly-thinky, but not as personal-thinky. V for Vendetta and its message about integrity (Valerie, anyone?) was a step on this path, but it was nowhere near the level of personal growth Torchwood has triggered. And yet, it's a plot-holey, bad-sciencey, , campy, darker-edgier-sexier spinoff of a show that I didn't even properly watch before Torchwood sank its teeth into me. How can it have become such a phenomenon in my life?

It's very smoky in my area tonight.

The kitties were roughhousing on my bed earlier, but now they're just chilling. Baxter definitely jumped face-first into the wall a couple times, though. Uh.

Ducky (formerly Dizzy, formerly Maybe-Vasco-Maybe-Quantum) likes to sleep in the crevice that my bed makes against the wall. I guess it's probably because my apartment is hot and the wall is cold? But it worries me when I accidentally bump him or put a limp partially on top of him and he makes no complaint. What if I roll onto him in the night or something?

This morning I woke up and the kitties were curled up on either side of me, dozing and purring. It was brilliant.

I really need to practise tomorrow. I haven't since the last time I said I needed to practise. Oops.

OMG SO while driving with my family to day I heard both "Uprising" AND "Knights of Cydonia." SO. PUMPED. I was practically headbanging, with my mum and brother in the car. Honestly? Muse might be all I really need from pop music.

God I've been so tired today, and yet I've been typing this entry for nearly an hour. Priorities much? Gah.

The kittens have arrived!! They're indescribably precious. Skittish, though -- definitely not as naïvely trusting as they were when they were tiny, a month or so ago.

Also, I ended up not taking the grey girl -- Clara and her dad had both grown far too attached to her, and it was so sad to see her try to say goodbye. Instead, I have the little black boy, who it turns out is besties with the black-and-white kitten, so it's better this way anyway.

To jog your memory:
( The black-and-white boy )
( The all-black boy )

Aaaand! PICSPAM: ( bathroom photoshoot! )

The pictures are all in the bathroom because it has turned out that the best place for the catbox is underneath my bathroom sink, and plus, it's the smallest room with the fewest hiding places and the least stuff for them to deal with, so I decided it was the best room for them to be in at first. Eventually I opened the door to the bedroom and they ventured forth and explored; when I left for work, they were chilling/napping/hiding under my bed. I hope they get comfortable enough to play while I'm gone! They were v. skittish when I was there.

The black-and-white kitten, I'm pretty set on calling Baxter, since he's been "Baxter" in my head for so long, and he hasn't done anything to contradict it yet. The all-black kitten is the bolder of the two, and I kind of want to name him after an explorer -- Vasco or Ferdinand, maybe? Magellan? Columbus? When I looked at the pictures of him in the box, though, I thought, "HIS NAME SHOULD BE QUANTUM" which is, in any case, fewer syllables, quirkier, and has more of a ring when paired with "Baxter." Plus I like naming animals nouns, or at least I like the idea of it (two alternate names for Rosco were Waffle and Toaster, both of which are ADORABLE names for a cat). And it's an esoteric physics joke that people probably won't get unless they've seen the box picture and know about Schrödinger, which also pleases me!

When maybe-Vasco-maybe-Quantum first went out into the bedroom to explore, probably-Baxter hid in the cupboard under the sink (I took off the door a while ago, when it became clear that that was where the catbox would go) and cried until his brother came back. It was both adorable and sad. I had to pick him up and carry him out into the bedroom to get him to leave the cupboard, but after that he was pretty happy following Vasco/Quantum around my room.

Flatmate was all, "I want to come home and play but I can't since I'm at work! :(" and I had to say, "well they're not playing either, they're nervous" -- I probably should have expected that they wouldn't automatically love me and would, in fact, run and hide. It still made me a little sad, though. But anyway, patience: I has it. Learning how to take caption-inspiring pictures of the kittens should give us all the bonding time we need, right? :D :D

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BONUS PIC EVEN THOUGH YOU PROBABLY DON'T CARE ABOUT DOCTOR WHO:
I made this!!! With help from http://totallylookslike.com/ and the LOLbuilder. MAI GEEKERY: LET ME SHOW U IT

It upsets me that this is the best picture of the Tenth Doctor I could find to use -- seated, wearing specs -- especially since you can't even see his Chucks. BUT!!! Rachel Maddow is TOTALLY Ten in an alternate, gender-switched universe. FACT.

So, um. In my weakened state, I may have been reduced to reading... Star Trek XI fic. Yeah, I know, shut up. But this one is quite delightful and OMG I WANT TO WATCH IT AGAIN SO BADLY. SO BADLY.

p.s. so apparently i also have an infection of the outer ear? way to go, self.
p.p.s. this in no way, however, keeps me from wanting to draw green-skinned space babes. way to go x2, self.