huh.

We are having a thunderstorm. I keep seeing flashes throught the window, out of the corner of my eye, and hearing rumbles.... but I'm never quick enough to catch them for real. The thunderstorm we saw on the mountain, though, from so, so far away... That was magic. Magnificent. I miss my Bassoon Mafia, my constant, secure, comfortable friends. It's strange and wonderful how, no matter how long it has been, we can fall into an easy friendship. It anchors me, makes me feel safe. I love you guys.

And, god, maybe I shouldn't, but -- I miss Jay so much right now. These past few days have been -- Well. Difficult. No idea why now, specifically. But I was reading and there were irretrievably lost loves and so much sadness, pain, despair and I just broke down and apparently that is what this week is about.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep so I have to distract myself with something because otherwise I'll think and being inside my own head hurts too much so I get so distracted that it keeps me awake. Fuck it.

you reel me out then you cut the string

So, I've been looking through old entries -- tagging, actually, although you wouldn't know it. But anyway....
... Actually, I sort of forgot what I was going to say.

1. For those of you who aren't aware (and seriously, I came late to this party), Radiohead is awesome. I've been listening to In Rainbows for the last hour, maybe longer. Just to let you know.

2. I still am not sleeping much/well

3. I love my new flatmate Stacey, and admire that she is prompt to do the washing up, but she is not thorough. :(

4. "If you don't practise for a day, you lose a day. If you don't practise for two days, you lose a week. And if you don't practice for three days, you lose a month." And yet somehow I can't make myself. This is not good. You know how there are good days and there are bad days? It has been a bad week for me. And it's hard for me to practise when I'm down. Given the choice, I'll curl in on myself in my apartment instead of spending quality time with my bassoon. I'm a terrible music major.

5. I don't know if I have mentioned my new idea for the direction I want my life to take? I got to play in a pit orchestra this year, for the very first time -- the first two, in fact. Verdi's Falstaff and Menotti's The Medium. Two very different operas, two very different productions, two totally awesome experiences. And I've decided that what I want to do is play in an opera orchestra. Which makes it even more awesome that Steinmetz, Professor Awesome himself, plays principal in the LA Opera orchestra. See, I've been performing so much over the past couple years, and the more you play, the more you want to play, for keeps, and I decided that I should just go for it. I am still getting my teaching credential, and I realised that I can come back to teaching at any time in my life, but once you stop playing, it only gets harder and harder to start again. So I've decided to go to grad school for bassoon performance -- not education, not conducting. Don't ask me where, though. That's part of the reason I'm taking a fifth year -- a buffer against doing research, making decisions, taking auditions, all that stuff.
5b. By the way, The Medium is wicked awesome. Completely terrifying. Seriously. Even playing in it, having rehearsed for hours and hours, and giving 5 performances of it, I was scared shitless every single time. At the end of each performance, all I could do was sit and breathe for a bit.

6. Right now I'm caught up on 4 seasons of Doctor Who and 2 seasons of Torchwood and they're both bloody awesome and I really want someone to watch them with me....

7. What really sucks is when you've let yourself make plans, even just to yourself, in your head, and then the entire world shifts beneath your feet and those plans are impossible. There had been talk of a road trip up Hwy 1. I remembered that yesterday. And then other idle ideas came rushing back: Star Trek, comic book collections, chamber music, outings. I wanted these things to happen.

8. I like it when people who say they'll call me, call me. The inverse of this is also true: I don't like it when people who say they'll call me, don't.

9. I should have been sleeping by now. Or at least talking on the phone, making plans.