shroud ourselves in the cosmos; let the music play

Dear Gustav Mahler,

I'm pretty sure contrabassoons are not supposed to have as many notes as I have in the finale of your fifth symphony. That is way too many notes. Thanks for the low As in the bassoon 3 part, though, I had great fun making a tube for them.

Yrs respectfully,
Sigma

p.s. Your wife, Alma? I've heard it said that she "collects composers in her bed like some people collect stamps." Just thought you should know.

So I may just flat-out keep watching NCIS:LA, and not just to track the level of fail in the representation (or total lack thereof, as in the third ep) of Latinos. Because the tech guy is silly and has glasses and wears sandals and is a surfer (and reminds me of Anthony Rapp who is cute like a bunny), and I want to know his story. Still not that into Chris O'Donnell's orphan!manpain, but LL Cool J as former SEAL is cool, and I am desperately amused by the outrageously homoerotic things Chris O'Donnell says to him. (Yeah, the "we accept gays" vibe still feels like trying too hard, but I do prefer it to some of the mildly homophobic things that Tony and McGee have said. Despite their apparently going to dinner together at trendy cafes, and other scenes of obvious homoerotic bromance.)

Enough of the spinoff. I love NCIS like burning, and the new season is no exception. Also!! USA finally picked up season 6, so I will no longer feel like I... missed something there, sorry, can you stop and explain? Plus everyone has really good hair this season, which has not always been the case. And, I feel kind of silly about it, but I want more of the Tony/Ziva UST. It's just so good.

Today: The LA Opera costume shop is having a sale and I cannot wait to be there, although I won't necessary be buying a lot of stuff. I just -- costumes. You know how I love costuming. And the opera costumes are always so good, and OBTW it's opera so they'll have real people sizes and not just model-and-actress sizes. Hah. The press release stresses it as ideal for Halloween Costumes! and I'm not sure why that wasn't my first thought. My first thought was more like "OPERA!! COSTUMES!!! LOVE." The e-mail about it claims there will be "many items under $10!" but I'm thinking those will probably be, what, gloves? fans? bags? and the ones used by the chorus, not the principals. Which is fine, you know. I definitely don't have the funds to get, like, a gown from Don Giovanni or Tannhäuser or anything. I think I'm going to enforce a strict $50 limit on myself (or maybe $60, depending on whether I have a ten in my wallet right now, because the ATM works in multiples of 20, yay). And, really, I'm not expecting to find something to buy, but I definitely want to see what's there.

Related to Halloween, I think this year I'm going to be a dinosaur tamer. I have a stuffed triceratops and a bullwhip. Now, as I see it, I could go two directions here: khaki-and-pith-helmet, or a more circusy-bondagey look. THOUGHTS??? (I kind of just want a pith helmet to have a pith helmet. Um.)

Anyway. Yeah. I was going to say something about last weekend but I forget what.

Oh, hey, by the way, I am absolutely loving all of the excitement about Gustavo Dudamel. Last weekend he conducted Beethoven 9 at the Hollywood Bowl and this weekend opens the 09-10 season at Disney Hall. For the first time in the years I have been at UCLA, though, we weren't offered tickets to the opening night gala, which was Thursday. Probably because it sold out for real and they had no seats to offer us (and anyway why would they want to underwrite tickets for a bunch of students if they can sell them to actual interested members of the public?). Still, I'm a little pouty about it. Especially since I've been eaten by music ed work so I didn't even know it was happening, until I was listening to the end of Mahler 1 on the radio in the car and I was, "okay, 5 minutes of applause, whatever, I want to know what orchestra this is!" and then the radio was all, "THAT WAS THE END OF DUDAMEL'S FIRST CONCERT AS MUSIC DIRECTOR AND YOU MISSED IT BITCH" But then I got to hear him do an adorable euphoric post-concert interview with the KUSC broadcasters, in which he stole a bottle of water from their table. And seriously, this is probably one of the best things ever to happen to classical music in Los Angeles. The fuss over Dudamel is generating so much interest. Movie stars were at the gala concert! It was clear that if you were in the know, it was the place to be, and that is thrilling. (there are "viva Gustavo" posters all along the big street by my flat. I've tried to photograph them, later on when I finally upload my camera I'll show you. it makes my daily commute a happier event.)

Went shopping with mum again today. JC Penney this time, no sales tax + we got "$10 off!" coupons in the mail. Much easier to find things than Macy*s, fuck that shit (and yes, that is actually how it's written when I look it up in the mall directory, although sane websites just write Macy's). Much better luck, too -- found a concert blouse AND a red dress (which, btw, is rather perfect AND was on sale). WIN. Plus I did a couple errands on my own and got yarn for keyboard scarf & power symbol scarf, and a couple projects that have lain half-finished for two years (in addition to CTS, Rosco would try to eat my yarn, and actually chew bits off and swallow them, which was Very Bad For Him, so I kept all my knitting squirrelled away. B&D, however, do not have Special Dietary Needs and only play with string, not eat it) because I ran out of yarn.

Also I got to eat dinner at home which is good because I need to go grocery shopping, preferably tomorrow evening. I am running out of food to make meals with AND food to snack on. But I forgot to get rent money. Aw, crap. And I really hate having the "hey can you give me money" conversation all the time. It makes me feel bad.

I have been taking extended naps every time I go home, lately, which I don't quite understand. I mean, yeah, I've been tired, but I don't nap at my apartment. Why at home? I don't particularly like napping, really -- it never feels refreshing, and it throws off my temporal sense and sleeping patterns for at least the next 24 hours.

I will be a busy bee tomorrow, I think. I'll be a busy bee for much of the forseeable future. Particularly since we have the same professor from last year who was disorganized and did not comprehend that her workload would only be doable if she were the only professor to assign anything. Scheduling for all my classes seems to touch-and-go. I really, fervently wish we could just have a concrete schedule of what needs to happen when, because I hate this business of being notified of when and where to be by e-mail the day before.

I am sleepy. Why am I not asleep?

p.s. dear self, things you actually do in fact need to do daily: (1) exercise and (2) practise. MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR REAL.

ETA: Audition Thursday went... okay. Pretty well, actually, until the last excerpt-and-a-half they asked me to play (which btw was significantly fewer than everyone else, it seems. what?), which were a little bit bad. not a lot, but a little bit. (actually, the last one is both embarrassing and hilarious. he was all, "I guess we'd better hear Pulcinella, since you went to all that trouble about it!" and I was like, "o see that is exactly why i meant to be better at this oops" and it was sloppy and a tad slow but not awful but not good, either. sigh.)

Turns out it's no easier to motivate yourself to run in the evening, after a long, footsore day, than it is at oh-dark-thirty. The first three sets were... okay (hard but I made it, more or less). The fourth set, I had to stop and walk after 2 minutes, because my legs could not run any more. The fifth set, I managed to push through, partly because I walked most of the fourth set and partly because it was The Last One OMG. So, I dunno. I didn't ever really get to that place I found on Monday, where it felt like the top of my head came off and movement was effortless (granted I was only there for perhaps four minutes total on Monday, but still). Then again, did not need inhaler. *shrug* I guess I'll carry on with the regimen, increasing to 6:1 for Friday and Saturday, although part of me worries that it might be moving too fast. (Hopefully that is the part of me that will be gone if I lose a few pounds, eh?)

The kitties had a Big Day Out today! We went to the library and met all my bosses and friends. They stayed there all afternoon, I was surprised. I had anticipated only staying for maybe an hour or so, then taking them back home and boogieing back to work the rest of the shift, but they behaved themselves and were quite happy to let my boss dote on them all afternoon. She sent us home with some makeshift toys, too -- a travel-size dental floss tin that rattles, and a couple plastic eggs ("You can put pebbles in them, I bet they'll chase them then!"), plus a bit of string that we probably shouldn't use to tie up books now that kittens have been chewing it all up.

I can't decide if I want to eat dinner first, or practise? I wish it were not so late. (I probably should have gone running earlier, instead of watching that second episode of Star Trek.) I also wish that season six of NCIS would air on USA Network already, so I won't feel so awkward about watching the new season. (I read the season six synopses on Wikipedia, but it's definitely not the same. I've tried watching the full episodes on the CBS website, but it hates me! The videos won't load. They did on my daddy's computer. No fair :c )

Okay. I'm very very hungry, and if I try to practise without eating, I'll just play badly and get frustrated, and last night was quite enough of practise-related breakdowns for me. (I called my mum in tears and worried her half to death before she realised it was just because of a bad practise. She talked me down and I went to sleep and practising this morning was much better.)

oh godddddddddddd

the kittens are BOTH!! under the comforter but on top of the topsheet, and attacking my toes through it. Which is adorable! Especially the warm, soft, kitten-sized comforter lumps. BUT OH GOD IT TICKLES

oh thank god they stopped

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Dear Flatmate,

I know I tend to take curves on the freeway, especially the ramps, quite fast. I know my car handles well enough for me to do so. You going "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" in the backseat is not entertaining, cute, or endearing, and it does not make me want to slow down, either. It just pisses me right the fuck off and makes me want to go fucking faster to teach you a lesson so shut the fuck up.

p.s. You telling the kittens loudly that their nails are sharp and need cutting does not endear you to me, either. I will cut the kittens' nails when I think they need it and when the are relaxed enough and I have the time. Being coy about it does not make the confluence of these events any more likely. shut the fuck up. maybe if you didn't insist on holding them when they don't to be held, you wouldn't encounter their claws. I haven't had problems yet.

p.p.s. I won't thank you for finally cleaning the stove and the countertop. I am quite relieved that you did because the mess you have left unattended for several days was on the verge of becoming a biohazard (seriously, that bowl that you used for defrosting the raw chicken sat out three days, and that fork with the raw egg was from yesterday morning), but I refuse to thank you and congratulate you for doing something that should be automatic and prompt -- not a special feat deserving a reward. And while I'm glad you finally picked up most of your shit that was scattered around the living room, I see no reason for your flip-flops to still be under the coffee table. You don't even wear them why the fuck should they ever be out of your room.

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so I FINALLY completed week 2 of my running program, after attempting it for three consecutive weeks. Wednesday was 1000x easier than Monday, and Friday's 4:1 was not the most torturous ever, and yesterday was almost pleasant -- I ran in the evening, from my parents' house to the fire station and back, while they were on their walk. I was sort of with them but not really, in the way that I ran ahead of them for four minutes, then for the walking i doubled back towards them and we had time to meet up and say hi before I had to run off again. It worked. Also, it was dark and cool, which may also have been good. I've noticed that Mondays are super hard, so I did "30 min easy walk" today instead of "rest" in the hopes that it makes it less daunting to start again tomorrow. We'll see. (yes, I do know that athletes should take a day off every 7-10 days, but I think it might make it easier to start again tomorrow if I didn't do nothing today.)

Mum and I went shopping yesterday afternoon -- for once in my life, I went to DSW without buying anything, but fear not! I made a list of shoes to find pictures of and then maybe we can have a poll or something about whether I should buy new shoes and if so which ones. I didn't get a red dress either, or a new concert blouse (my old concert blouse I still love, but it is getting a bit faded. sadness!), but I did get new jeans (much needed) and a belt and a shawl, and two button-downs (one white, short-sleeved, and okay I guess, and one off-white, long-sleeved, slightly more casual, and GORGEOUS), and two waistcoats (i am filled with joy) (one is solid black with a full back and pointy lapels, the other is grey-brown stripey and it goes in a band around the back, then has adjustable elastic to connect that band to the "collar". It's less spiffy than the black one, but I still like it). And they were on sale and mum had a gift card and everything.

Tomorrow I have an orientation for the school of education, and supposedly all will be explained and we will no longer be confused and worried. It starts at 8.30a though, which SUCKS.

Tuesday will be full of the busy also. Plus, I'm going to bring the kittens to visit the library. O.o

Thursday night is orchestra auditions. Bassoon at 8, contra at 8.30 (appointments are 15 minutes each.) I'm feeling pretty good about contra -- the excerpts must be easier than last year's, because I've been able to practise them intermittently and it's still gone smoothly. Bassoon not so much. I kind of inadvertently took the last few days off because I am a bad music major, and so I'm a little apprehensive. Plus, my tempi are too slow for the fiddly excerpts still, my Mozart is Not Tidy Enough, I'm pretty sure unintended rubato is happening in the slow excerpts, my reeds are fighting me, and ... I'm worried. I feel like as much as I wanted to prove myself last year, because I was a senior dammit, the expectations are even higher this year because I'm a fifth-year and I gave a good recital and my main competition are the new master's student, who has the same number of years of experience as me but will have better parts anyway unless I really kick ass in auditions, and the same two-years-younger moderately flaky technique whiz who has been kicking my ass in auditions since he arrived. And I just don't really know how I was so motivated last summer, but not this summer, even though this summer feels like higher stakes.

P.S. I still haven't finished gathering info for grad schools. But if I want to audition anywhere I'd better find out what excerpts/pieces/etudes I need to learn, and soon. Bugger.

Dr. Old (everyone's favourite elderly musicologist -- no, his name is not actually Old) returned to the library today, after being gone all summer, and he leered at me, complete with eyebrow-waggle! -- I was surprised, mostly because I thought the leering was restricted to my more fabulous co-workers, if you know what I mean. His arrival heralded offers of assistance from both of my bosses-who-are-here-today (not Boss, I think she's taking a "vacation" -- in actuality, the furlough days she's accrued), which was hilarious. Dr. Old asked to speak with one of them just minutes after he had told me he'd be upstairs of Dr. Old needed him. He hadn't even had time to get to the staircase. Heh.

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Um. I may have missed something here -- apparently it is vital to be on Dr. Old's good books? Or at least, Irish Tech Boss told me that being liked by Dr. Old will be the best thing for me. And Newly-In-Charge-Of-Everything Boss is jumping at his requests (though not without much long-suffering sighing and eye-rolling). Okay, he's an important musicologist, I know that. What am I not getting about this situation?

I just spent 15 minutes smiling and nodding to a man who came in and struck up a one-sided conversation with me about how Elvis Presley is the only musician who ever mattered ("Mozart is nothing, jazz is nothing"), and about the process of becoming Great (*rolls eyes* i know, right?), and one of my bosses had to come and rescue me.

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