sigmastolen | angsty wordspew. more for me than for you.

you can never go back. you can never recapture how it was. i know this, empirically. that doesn't mean i don't still want to rewind it all.

and thinking about it makes me hurt, makes me sick, makes me cry.

and talking about it makes me angry. i can only be angry if i'm telling someone else that i'm not? and then they tell me all the things they think i should do and i know i probably should as well but i don't, i don't want to be well out of it, i just want to stay and help and i want him to be the kind of amazing person i know he has the potential to be and not this uncaring, downward-spiralling fuckup.

and i want to see him but i know it will hurt and i don't want to keep finding these fresh new hurts. and i don't want to make a scene but i feel like i inevitably will because being hurt makes me do all the girl things that i despise and he makes me lose my head anyway.

and i want to try and do something to help but i'm afraid that any gesture i make, any action i take, will be the wrong one and make him shut me out forever but he's already shutting me out or at least not making any effort to connect and if i am the one doing all the reaching then there's no way to believe that he really wants to still be People Who Talk and it's not just accepting because it's more passive than rejecting. and if he isn't willing to work for who he could be then it will be wasted effort for me and yet i still want to make the effort because it's better than standing by, isn't it? but i keep convincing myself not to because i can't do the work or make the choice for him but what if, because i am keeping myself still and holding myself back (because of fear, doubt, hurt, paralyzing overanalysis, whatever), he thinks i have abandoned him and don't value him and resents that and continues to not reach out? in which case it's just some kind of sick cycle.

and really i oughtn't crave his approval so much because it's an unhealthy dynamic in any case and doesn't help either of us in this one and yet i can't seem to change. (am i really so crippled by low self-esteem? this is apparently the case.) all i want is for the people -- person -- i love to love me back, to try as hard for me as i have for him. i want to be loved the way i deserve.

i want him to love me the way i deserve.

and that's not helpful to anyone right now.