fifteen steps and then a sheer drop
Jan. 14th, 2009 11:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sigmastolenThis is about today because now it's almost over.
I... started it off wrong. Got up after snooze-buttoning for 15 minutes. Chatted with Sonja because she'd just come home from her Last Shift Ever (that's right, my roommate no longer works for campus housing! no more midnight-6 "mid-shifts"!). Showered. Dressed. Made coffee & put yogurt into a bowl ofCheerios not-Cheerios because last Monday EVERYONE AND THEIR MOM went grocery shopping and Ralphs was out of Cheerios so I have been eating Ralphs-brand Toasted Oats and they are Not As Tasty As Cheerios. And while I was sitting on the couch, reading and eating breakfast, I started to cry. I don't even know why. Maybe "why" is irrelevant, maybe all that matters is that it happened. But it sort of set the tone I guess.
I then gave Rosco his meds and walked to the library -- almost on time today! I would have been if I hadn't remembered as I was walking out the door that I had to feed the cat his pill, but it's obv. better that I did remember eh. And I worked and fucked around on the internets and didn't do my reading for opera, and E. called in sick this morning, so I stayed on an extra hour instead of clocking out and practising. And A MILLION PEOPLE checked out laptops this morning, I kid you not. Which I guess was easier for me to deal with than a million people turning in ALL THE CDS EVER, which is what happened last week. And then I had lunch with Z. and some people, and then I dithered uselessly for a bit and then I worked on a reed instead of practising and then it was time for Wind Ensemble.
The rehearsal was interminably long, as ever, and after we had Quintet Dinner (well, minus our flute player P. but with another flute player N. instead) and everyone was talking shop and it made me anxious and I said so but they didn't stop so I clammed up and tried to ignore it so I wouldn't get upset. Esp. since several of the gigs we're trying to schedule will be exactly during the time I am supposed to work in the library and I made it clear that I was reluctant to miss work but no-one seems to have noticed.
The entire reason we have Quintet Dinners is because we have Quintet Rehearsal afterwards, and that would have been much better if the clarinet professor hadn't been there. And also if people would maybe sometimes not speak over me, I bet that would be novel. But anyway, I was pretty frustrated because it didn't feel very productive, and I was frazzled about a miscommunication with the guy who schedules our gigs, and the end got very similar to dinner, what with the clamming up and the muscle tension, but with more teeth-gritting.
So I walked home and talked to mum on the phone and watched NCIS and I knew I wanted to say something else but now I am so sleepy
And worst of all, we might have some kind of biting mite infestation. At least it's not fleas again. The fleas freaked the living blue fuck out of me.
---
Maybe it was a return to the betrayal idea? I do. Feel betrayed, that is. At least a bit. By Jay, who promised to be good to me; who told me he loved me; who wanted to make plans for things like fencing classes and benefit recitals to promote marriage equality; who agreed long ago to play in my recital and now we aren't even talking; who is now in a relationship with another woman (whom I think is something of an idiot) after kissing my lips and telling me he loved me in front of her; whom I trusted completely, and who has broken my heart twice. But also by Ben, one of the only people I trust that has any chance of reaching him, and who hasn't talked to his mum even though he said he would, and who doesn't seem to be trying to make him take responsibility and see that the choices he is making right now are No Good. Jay has called Ben his best friend for the past two-and-a-half years; if that's the truth, shouldn't Ben want to help him now?
And all I want to do is cry and be comforted and have everything be okay again. Or if I can't have it back now, can I just go back to when it was okay and stay there, forever?
I... started it off wrong. Got up after snooze-buttoning for 15 minutes. Chatted with Sonja because she'd just come home from her Last Shift Ever (that's right, my roommate no longer works for campus housing! no more midnight-6 "mid-shifts"!). Showered. Dressed. Made coffee & put yogurt into a bowl of
I then gave Rosco his meds and walked to the library -- almost on time today! I would have been if I hadn't remembered as I was walking out the door that I had to feed the cat his pill, but it's obv. better that I did remember eh. And I worked and fucked around on the internets and didn't do my reading for opera, and E. called in sick this morning, so I stayed on an extra hour instead of clocking out and practising. And A MILLION PEOPLE checked out laptops this morning, I kid you not. Which I guess was easier for me to deal with than a million people turning in ALL THE CDS EVER, which is what happened last week. And then I had lunch with Z. and some people, and then I dithered uselessly for a bit and then I worked on a reed instead of practising and then it was time for Wind Ensemble.
The rehearsal was interminably long, as ever, and after we had Quintet Dinner (well, minus our flute player P. but with another flute player N. instead) and everyone was talking shop and it made me anxious and I said so but they didn't stop so I clammed up and tried to ignore it so I wouldn't get upset. Esp. since several of the gigs we're trying to schedule will be exactly during the time I am supposed to work in the library and I made it clear that I was reluctant to miss work but no-one seems to have noticed.
The entire reason we have Quintet Dinners is because we have Quintet Rehearsal afterwards, and that would have been much better if the clarinet professor hadn't been there. And also if people would maybe sometimes not speak over me, I bet that would be novel. But anyway, I was pretty frustrated because it didn't feel very productive, and I was frazzled about a miscommunication with the guy who schedules our gigs, and the end got very similar to dinner, what with the clamming up and the muscle tension, but with more teeth-gritting.
So I walked home and talked to mum on the phone and watched NCIS and I knew I wanted to say something else but now I am so sleepy
And worst of all, we might have some kind of biting mite infestation. At least it's not fleas again. The fleas freaked the living blue fuck out of me.
---
Maybe it was a return to the betrayal idea? I do. Feel betrayed, that is. At least a bit. By Jay, who promised to be good to me; who told me he loved me; who wanted to make plans for things like fencing classes and benefit recitals to promote marriage equality; who agreed long ago to play in my recital and now we aren't even talking; who is now in a relationship with another woman (whom I think is something of an idiot) after kissing my lips and telling me he loved me in front of her; whom I trusted completely, and who has broken my heart twice. But also by Ben, one of the only people I trust that has any chance of reaching him, and who hasn't talked to his mum even though he said he would, and who doesn't seem to be trying to make him take responsibility and see that the choices he is making right now are No Good. Jay has called Ben his best friend for the past two-and-a-half years; if that's the truth, shouldn't Ben want to help him now?
And all I want to do is cry and be comforted and have everything be okay again. Or if I can't have it back now, can I just go back to when it was okay and stay there, forever?
