UHTM Part V

[sigmastolen]

I suspect this might be it for a few days. I was in the middle of taking a break from practising to (attempt to) juggle in my practise room... (my teacher wants me to! Honest! it's supposed to help the two hemispheres of the brain work together.)

Jay (15:42):
Heyo, I still don't know
my schedule, but do
know I miss you terribly
and I appreciate your
friendship more that [sic] what
I have the means to
express with words.

Jay (15:43):
Say hi to the ucla crew
for me and tell everyone I
love them a fuckton

[and for two minutes, this had an upsetting air of finality. I was about to say something to that effect when:]

Jay (15:45):
I want to give you a big
fucking hug. Can we do
something fun and nerdy
together?

Me (15:50):
Of course we can, but i
would rather have the
grown-up conversation
first, or i won't actually be
able to have fun. And i'd
really like to see you,
sooner rather than later.

Jay (15:53):
No, no, I totally
understand. I need to get
myself back in balance,
though, life is just so
crazy right now. Just
know I have never
wanted to cause you
pain, and that you have
been one of the dearest
friends I have ever had,
and that feeling will never
change for me. Give me
a bit to get back in tune.
It's hard. Everything is,
but that is how we learn.
I'm sorry I didn't learn
quicker.

[Believe me, I am, too. I just want to be with him, so much. Even after all this.]

Me (15:57):
This hasn't been easier [sic]
for me, either. I feel like
we might be able to help
each other, is all. Or at
least get some issues
aired, and so not have to
worry about them as
much. I care about you a
lot, and if i can help you
put yourself back
together, I will.

[I struggled with the wording on that one a bit. It still doesn't quite convey what I wanted it to. *sigh*]

Jay (16:01):
I don't need help, as
much as your love and
friendship. You have
been such a positive
influence on my life and I
owe you an immense
debt of love for all that
you have done for me.
Always always know that.
I never meant to hurt
you, I was just lost and
confused like the rest of
us. Give me a few days,
we can meet up and I will
bring offerings of nerdery
and friendship

Jay (16:02):
I need some time just to
get my thoughts together
so we can really talk

Me (16:07):
Okay. Just let me know
when; i have a gig this
week(end). You always
have my friendship and
love.

...__...

So. A few days, I guess? I just... I really want this to come through. I feel like I might be in a place where I can actually speak coherently to him about... us, and everything. Even if there isn't really an "us" anymore (which overwhelmed me, just for a minute, during the exchange) -- the strongest theme in it is friendship, which certainly not a bad thing, is still not what I want. Not what I wish I could have from him. Because I was so happy when we were together, and lately -- but especially now -- I am so not.

And I've been thinking a lot about love in recent months, and I'm starting to string what I believe into a whole and put words to it. Love is never wrong or bad, and love never goes away. The type of relationship, the way you express that love (or not), the other emotions you have for a person -- those all change, but all love is the same, and changeless. Once you truly love someone, you will always love them. Which is partly why I cling so tightly to the people I have loved in my life. I don't know what you believe about love, and I don't know what he believes about love, but this is what I believe, with as much clarity as I can manage.

And I'm trying so hard right now to keep my head, keep my wits about me, keep my baser impulses under control and be rational and articulate and stoic about all this, (because in my past and, my instinct tells me, in this situation with Jay, passionate outbursts have worked against me) but it's tremendously difficult. Because I am in love with him, and he told me and keeps telling me that he loves me, but he is with another woman and I don't understand how this can be the case because, as much as my low self-esteem has been a problem, I am still confident or arrogant enough to know that I am better than her in every way and how can he stand being with her if he could be with me? I just. I don't do things halfway, and I don't feel things halfway, on principle, and so everything is just so goddamn intense for me and maybe that scares people? scared him? but it's also the best, most alive way to be.

Lord. I'm making myself cry, typing on a bench in the foyer of Schoenberg. I need to go home and eat and go to the market.

eta;; I observed this while I was transcribing and it disturbed me but then I forgot to mention it: his words have always been very sweet and affectionate, but some of these sound very much like her as well and that makes me feel a little sick. :c

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