flist spam (haha you poor sods)

God. Now that it's all out of my hands again, I hate this business of waiting. Because I don't know what comes next, I guess, and I hate not knowing. And I have no control over the outcome beyond what I've already done and I want to start picking apart what I said but I know I mustn't. I worry, though, that this was all some kind of burst of magnanimity that is already over and was never real... and the fact that I just typed that means this we can never go back to what it was; the trust is broken.

My first impulse was to delete that because I don't want it to be true.

You can never go back. But going forward doesn't look anywhere near as good to me right now. Because if I go forward, I can't be with him again unless he changes.

God, I wanted to delete that, too.

My thoughts are entirely too rational right now and I don't want to do or feel what I know is good for me. I want to throw myself into all this heartache and glory and let it consume me, destroy me, because that feels like living to the fullest. That kind of abandon is what feels like it is immediate and real and entire, not cringing away from pain and trying to protect myself.

I need to stop writing now because honestly, I sound like a fool.

moar uhtm

( and so prompt, too! )

*sigh* Again, more as it comes along.

UHTM Part V

I suspect this might be it for a few days. ( And this is why. )

I just. I don't do things halfway, and I don't feel things halfway, on principle, and so everything is just so goddamn intense for me and maybe that scares people? scared him? but it's also the best, most alive way to be.

Lord. I'm making myself cry, typing on a bench in the foyer of Schoenberg. I need to go home and eat and go to the market.

eta;; I observed this while I was transcribing and it disturbed me but then I forgot to mention it: his words have always been very sweet and affectionate, but some of these sound very much like her as well and that makes me feel a little sick. :c