shroud ourselves in the cosmos; let the music play

So, this quarter, and the past month in particular, has made me realise that I'm okay with being single right now, because honestly? I have no room in my life to try to accommodate another person. I barely don't have time to take care of all my own shit, and I've already had to miss a ton of orchestra and that makes me sad and guilty.

That said, I finally have a crush on someone that I don't immediately dismiss when I think about it, like I did the various people I took interest in last spring. And despite not being able to act on it because I have no time (see above), I'm pleased that it is happening, for two main reasons:
- it means I'm not ruined for life
- it's my first crush on a girl who isn't a celebrity, so it's new and exciting. Saxophone, first year masters (or DMA maybe? i'm not actually sure), v. butch, v. laid-back, orch manager, adorable faux-hawk. She might have a gf? I don't know. But that's okay because I have no time.

So yeah. *shrug*

In other news, new orchestra angst! SO MUCH ORCHESTRA ANGST.
1) I am on the roster for the Messiah orchestra (extravaganza with choirs)
2) I have a concert of contemporary chamber music during one of the dress rehearsals, which I feel it is important to note was not on the original schedule. Actually, we weren't even given a schedule for the whole quarter, just concert dates and a schedule for the first rotation, and even though this is the way the concerts with choir have worked out every other time, if it wasn't on the schedule they can't really punish us for not making the assumption that it would be the same this year
3) I was not expecting to be in the Messiah orchestra, because I thought we might be doing the smaller orchestration AND I assumed that Maestro would pick New Masters Student over me SO I figured that either way the chamber concert wouldn't present a conflict for me personally and if the various string players weren't going to make a stink, neither would I (plus I did mention it but Chamber Coach scheduled it anyway)
4) I feel guilty about playing in approx. twice as much orchestra stuff as New Masters Student, because Maestro isn't warming up to her very much at all
5) I asked Maestro via e-mail this afternoon if maybe it wouldn't be better for New Masters Student to be in Messiah, since she is available for all the rehearsals, and he hasn't gotten back to me, which freaks me out because he is usually a prompt e-mailer
6) I just registered for the CBEST, which I have been meaning to do for ages, and it is a 4-hour test on the day of the other dress rehearsal, which is scheduled to begin an hour before the test will end, not to mention that my testing center is far the fuck away because I registered so late, so essentially I will miss some or all of both dress rehearsals
7) I don't want Maestro to hate me
8) I don't want New Masters Student to resent me
9) I like large-scale choral works in general and Messiah in particular, but I honestly just don't want to deal with being in it right now
10) I also don't want Orch Manager to hate me for having so many conflicts and making life difficult because she has a cute fauxhawk.

So I guess what I have to do now is e-mail again and be like, I'M SO SORRY BUT I REALLY REALLY CAN'T BE IN THIS CONCERT BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH OTHER SHIT GOING ON, UNLESS YOU HONESTLY HAVE ENOUGH BLIND FAITH IN ME TO EXCUSE ME FROM BOTH DRESS REHEARSALS WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T DO BECAUSE I AM, IN FACT, NON-ESSENTIAL PERSONNEL IN THIS SITUATION. Which gives me anxiety in and of itself.

Communication is hard, guys.

UPDATE!! Before I sent the CBEST e-mail, Maestro e-mailed back and says, "I'd still rather have you play. How much of the [Friday night] rehearsal would you need to miss?" So now I'm explaining about the CBEST and I'm so nervous about this, why? is this irrational nervousness? I just want him to liiiiiiiike meeeeeee. Which he apparently does or he wouldn't be so adamant about me playing this concert? SO WHY AM I SO NERVOUS AAAAAAAHHHHHH

OH AND ALSO! I got a haircut on Saturday and everyone keeps telling me it's cute but I am Not In Love With It. *pout* Am having a v. hard time making my peace with this one. ALSO!!! The lady was all, "IT'LL LOOK GREAT IF YOU FLAT-IRON IT :D" right after I said I don't have a flat iron and that I don't like them, and I wanted to say, "GEE, THANKS, I DON'T HAVE A FLAT IRON AND I DON'T WANT TO FLAT IRON MY HAIR AND I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TIME TO FLAT IRON MY HAIR EVERY DAY ANYWAY WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE IT SO IT LOOKS GREAT WITHOUT ME DOING ANYTHING TO IT?" Plus, she made everything too short. I'm not that bothered about the overall length, but I definitely wanted my bangs cheekbone-length and not eyebrow-length. Amelie haircut: DID NOT WANT, KTHX BUT NO THX. I don't think it suits my face. >:C

1. Grad school: I have Very Kind Professors who have agreed to write letters of rec for me! Now I just need to figure out where to send them. *FREAKING OUT OMG* Also, am I aiming too high? Too low? (probably not the second one.) I still don't even know which programs are good. But anyway, I am making my list (last night, one of my HS teachers suggested another school to me which means I have to find information on another school and then make a decision about it oh god), and I'm gonna try to get forms and addressed & stamped envelopes to my Very Kind Professors... by tomorrow? oh god.

2. Current school: So I thought that after finally doing the last part of my Busywork Choral Methods Class midterm, which I have been sitting on for three weeks, I would be caught up. Except then when I was e-mailing it to Busywork Teacher, I saw an e-mail from Sociopoliticultural Teacher, reminding the class that we have a project due. Tomorrow. He couldn't have reminded us in class last week? Or maybe sent the e-mail before the weekend? And then I didn't even have my folder for that class with me so I couldn't check and see what the requirements are but I know we're supposed to have interviewed a child at the school we're observing at (which is structured very differently for the actual School of Ed students than it is for us -- the way we've been doing things is not conducive to doing these assignments at all, which, ARGH)... And then there are at least two more Big Projects looming in my future, one more for Sociopoliticultural Class and one for Music Ed Seminar, plus a smaller one due Thursday at 11:59 pm for Instrumental Methods Class, and while I've been "boycotting" the actual busywork (primarily summaries of all of the chapters in the book and all of the 90 BAZILLION ARTICLES she gives us weekly and expects us to read) for Busywork Class, I should probably do it at some point because I'm pretty sure it's supposed to go in the Binder Of Everything She Has Assigned Us, Ever, as part of our Totally Bogus Final Grade. AND ALSO!! I'm supposed to have passed the CBEST and a US Constitution test by 15 December, for the credential program. I guess I should maybe register for those things.

3. Bassoon: I just... feel like I am not learning the music I am working on fast enough. And since all the other parts of my life started exploding all over everything, I have not been practising as much as I was, or as much as I would like to. And when I do practise, I keep having weird brain problems -- spontaneously switching clefs, notes translating to the next line or space over, accidentals becoming switched... and it's all in my head, and I can hear how it goes and I can sing it, but whenever I try to play it Something Goes Wrong. And it's incredibly frustrating.

4. Cats: I'm kind of a bad mom. They're about a month overdue for their final vaccination... I don't know if they'll have to start the series over? They can be fixed at the beginning of December, so I need to make an appointment for that, too. And I'm not sure what's going to happen with them over winter break -- if I should get someone to cat-sit for me at my apartment, or if I should just stay at the apartment (no, i want to go home), or if I can/should bring them home with me? I fret.

5. Care and Keeping of Self: I need to make an appointment with the optometrist. I need to make an appointment with the dentist. And I need to start running again, but I am always Too Tired -- in the mornings, too sleepy to haul my ass out of bed, and in the evenings, too worn out from the day (also, it's dark when I get home, which... well, I'm not in the greatest neighbourhood, yeah?) -- and I don't know how to break this cycle of doing things last-minute and not getting enough sleep and being a lazy bum and freaking out. I also don't know how to be less angry, but it would be nice. No, I don't have an hour to go see someone at Student Psychological Services. I really don't.

I've wanted to cry since 7:45 last night but it keeps not happening, and I can't decide if that's good or bad.

1. FUCK CHRYSLERS. No, seriously. People who drive Chryslers CAN'T DRIVE. I can't decide if they're dicks, like Escalade drivers, or if they're just FUCKING IDIOTS. Tonight, getting onto the 405, I got stuck behind a Town & Country that was going, like, 20mph on the onramp. THE ONRAMP WHICH HAD NO ONE ELSE IN FRONT OF HIM BECAUSE HE WAS GOING SO DAMN SLOW. And, as icing on the cake, he signalled during the curve. WHERE THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO GO? THERE ARE NO INTERSECTIONS AND NO OTHER LANES YET. (As a side note, I'm getting into a habit of revving my engine to express my displeasure, and it's really bad for my gas mileage.) And then. AND THEN!! I was getting OFF the 405 and I was behind a Chrysler 300. AND IT ALSO SIGNALLED ON THE CURVE. And the worst part? The 300 DID NOT SIGNAL at the ACTUAL FUCKING INTERSECTION, where it turned right, and it DIDN'T EVEN TURN INTO THE CORRECT GODDAMN LANE. FUCK CHRYSLERS. Also, PT Cruisers are BUTTFUCK UGLY, even when they're not that HIDEOUS burnt orange colour, and IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE PAST.

2. So I almost had a panic attack at the beginning of orchestra today. It was awesome. I got spontaneously overwhelmed by the amount of shit that I don't have together: long-overdue midterm stuff, project due by the end of today (mostly done now), group project for busywork class FOR WHICH SHE DID NOT EVEN TELL US WHAT TO DO THEN DECLARED THAT SINCE SHE WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY WE HAVE TO E-MAIL THE ASSIGNMENT TO HER BY 5PM THURS AND SHE STILL HASN'T ACTUALLY TOLD US WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO, short orchestra lesson probably Thurs am, two "first lessons" duedate unknown, reading for tonight and for Thurs am that I am not done with, scheduling group project meeting, scheduling chamber rehearsals, scheduling a coaching with a (grown-up!) composer whose bassoon-bass duo we are giving a west coast premiere!!, trying to find time to practise because i have OMG SO MUCH MUSIC TO LEARN, continuously back-burnering things that I Need To Do for the credential program, and OH YEAH GRAD SCHOOL. I was seriously fidgety and twitchy and hyperventilating and I almost cried or screamed or ran away, for about the first 20 minutes of orchestra and the 20 minutes beforehand... Except then I had to breathe deeply so that I could play contrabassoon, and eventually I got a grip. FUN TIMES, THOUGH.

3. Funny story actually, but I am a bitch: There's this asian chick in the socio-politi-cultural education class who Fails At Eyeshadow. No, I'm serious. She uses a really pale silvery-blue on her lids, then she puts this super-heavy black line in the crease of her eyelids that connects to both corners, and she doesn't make any effort to blend it whatsoever. She does this EVERY WEEK, presumably EVERY DAY, and it looks HIDEOUS. We've (the music contingent) muttered about wanting to fix her eye makeup on numerous occasions. Anyway, one of the other guys made a comment about sororities and how the greek system is really homogeneous and really white, and she piped up something like, "I just want to correct you on that generalization, because I was the face of [her college sorority]. We're not all white and blonde and identical." And all I could think was, "Really? You were in a sorority -- the 'face of your sorority,' (whatever that means) no less, and NOBODY taught you how to do eye shadow for grows-ups?" See, I told you I'm a bitch.

4. OMG BUT THEN as I was leaving the education class, just outside the building I saw this green thing on the ground and I stopped and looked and it was a PRAYING MANTIS and I took PHOTOS of it and it was in the middle of EATING A CRICKET!!!! So I'll put those up probably tomorrow because it was WAY COOL.

Okay, off I go for dinner and homework.

So today I, um, watched Star Trek. Again.

Hey, Campus Events was showing it for two dollars. TWO. That is the same price as a cookie from the organic vending machine. Only twice as much as a bag of chips from the regular vending machine. And about 1/5 of what my dinner from Rubio's cost today.

I almost decided not to go, because, damn, I have so much shit to do. And I promised myself I would decide where to apply to grad school by the end of today -- which is looking unlikely. (I did have a good talk with Dan about grad school and other things today, though.)

But today kind of sucked -- tired the moment I woke up, frustrating practise, scratchy throat (o hai post-nasal drip), angry at work, dozed off in the stacks at work, didn't play well in a coaching -- and I decided that no, I needed to go to this movie. Because I need the future to be bright and shiny and beautiful and full of lens flares and french horn solos.

Seriously, this film has a great score. I hope the horn soloist got paid really well. And I love that they used the original theme for the end credits.

Honestly, Star Trek just gets better and better, possibly because now I've seen about 20 times as much TOS as I had when I first watched it. ( potential spoilers? )

BUT OMG I WANT SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS THAT ARE SPACESHIPS. MOST ADORABLE PROP EVER. I CAN HAS?

I really should be working on that ed project right now but instead I'm kind of... de-braining via internet. Because today contained about 5 hours of bassoon-and-contrabassooning (wind ensemble + Mozart sectional + playing through Mahler so my fingers re-learn it) and it completely wiped me out. Seriously. I'm staying home from my 8-11 class tomorrow morning (so I can drag my ass to campus for rehearsal at 11 instead), and I'd better get some of this project done in that time, but I'm not holding out much hope because omg I feel like death right now, and that's after I've been at home hiding in my room for two hours doing nothing productive at all, so I have no idea when I'll be up and running tomorrow. I promise after this post I'll buckle down and work on it, I will. Because I suppose I can't really count on getting anything done on it tomorrow night after the concert, which I'm sure will effectively finish me off, following as it will on the heels of 5 hrs rehearsal + 2 hrs work.

Just took my temperature -- 97.8 degrees. Haven't taken any kind of anti-inflammatory since 5pm. Should I be worried? Or is that within the realm of daily temperature fluctuations? It seems quite low to me. Then again, I've been sitting still and my room is quite cold (but turning on the heater makes the air too dry for comfortable breathing)

Flatmate apparently just took some time to go through the fridge and actually get rid of food she doesn't plan to eat/has allowed to go bad. Asked if there was anything I wanted to get rid of with her stuff. No, because I don't buy/cook 3x as much food as I can eat and then forget about it for a month in the fridge because I buried it haphazardly under new groceries. Seriously. One shouldn't need refrigerator space that is greater than the volume of one's own body. And while Flatmate is definitely not slender, she ain't that big. (Chrissake, she's probably not even five feet tall. That itself eliminates a lot of potential volume.)

Another thing that bugs me -- Okay, I get that she has to move the seat so that her feet reach the pedals when she has to move my car, because I am 5'6" and she is 4'something-less-than-12". But does she really need to change the rearview mirror every damn time? I don't change her mirror when I move her car. I turn around and look the fuck behind me. Christ. Sometimes when I am really hacked off, I adjust her seat, rearview mirror, and steering wheel. Because I am a bitch. I really hate tandem parking. And I really hate that Flatmate's car makes obnoxious noises and that it always takes me at least two tries to throw the damn thing into reverse because her transmission is fucked.

Also my feet are freezing despite socks & a blanket, and I am motherfucking hungry because I haven't had dinner yet but I didn't want to have to interact with Flatmate while she was puttering around the kitchen and living room.

Being sick also increases my levels of aggression and misanthropy, apparently.

---

@ 23:49
Since I'm clearly not done fucking around on LJ for the night, and I still haven't eaten anything and I still don't want to work on my damn project, can I complain about the Mozart sectional today?
- Second Oboe (who I already knew to be a Big Fucking Flake because I had to be in a scholarship quintet with her for over a year) said she would be available at 5:15, but apparently she actually had a midterm. And then she didn't send an e-mail about it until about 3:30 TODAY, when three of the remaining four of us were already in a large ensemble rehearsal. Which, btw, goes until 5:00, so when that was over we pretty much went directly to the appointed sectional room and set ourselves up. (the remaining member didn't get the e-mail either, because she was on a bus on her way to campus. btw the sectional was the ONLY reason for her to go to school today.) My Favourite Oboist saved the day, though, by offering to sit in and fill out the chords when Maestro encountered her in the hallway. Honestly, we were both laughing inside because it was so classic and finally other people are realising Second Oboe's flakiness. But still. Now we'll have to go back and re-check the tuning and balance sometime tomorrow, because of Second Oboe's FAIL.
- New Master's Bassoonist is good, and I like her a lot, but she has now had a month to learn the tendencies of her shiny new Fox 601. She shouldn't still be having problems like Being Sharp All The Time. She should be at the point where she knows how to adjust her reeds to the new horn so that her setup is in tune.
- And then the ENTIRE rest of the sectional consisted of Maestro walking Faily Sophomore Flute through the bajillion things she has to do to pull her weight in an orchestra wind section, such as: tune octaves with the oboe, tune unisons with the oboe, blend with the oboe, balance to the oboe, count rests correctly, come in correctly, adjust the intonation if it sounds wrong at first, play in time with the solo piano's subdivisions, balance to the solo piano, match articulations with the rest of the section, and OH YEAH PLAY IN TUNE. I fail to see why Maestro put her inexperienced ass on this piece. SHE IS THE EPICENTER OF SO MUCH FAIL. Actually, I'm pretty sure that if he had known beforehand that it would take this much hand-holding, he would have put someone else on the part. SOMEONE WITH LESS FAIL, MY GOD.
- Also, my ears were really stuffy and it apparently made me unable to hear the upper harmonics of my notes, so I had massive intonation paranoia, but apparently the only problems I had that Maestro corrected were with my top space G, which is SharpSharpSharp. And then I overcorrected because I couldn't hear where the note was resonating properly because I couldn't hear the upper harmonics. I really hope my tone wasn't as stuffy from outside my head as it sounded from inside my head.

As a SPECIAL BONUS, I had sound sensitivity during wind ensemble, which makes me have paranoia about whether my ear infection is cleared up or not. Or maybe it's just that the trumpets who sit behind me are too DOUCHEBAGGY to aim their bells around/past my head, rather than at it. And I also apparently picked the Wrong Distance to sit from the horn-player-next-to-me's bell -- I suspect that I would have been getting a lot less SOUND-IN-THE-FACE! had I been either closer or farther away.

HOORAY!! And now it is AFTER MIDNIGHT and I AM STILL NOT ASLEEP and I HAVE STILL NOT EATEN and I HAVE STILL NOT DONE HOMEWORK but at least I am DONE FUCKING VENTING.

Dear Sirs,
I would like to submit for your consideration the possibility that, if one is incapable of wiping up one's own spills in the kitchen, one cannot with any credibility call oneself a "grown-ass woman."

srsly i don't know what it was but it was congealed and it went all the way back to where she keeps her vitamins against the wall and it came up into little squishy strings and balls when i tried to wipe it up. disgusting.

In other news, still sick. Staying home from work and class, but I'll go to orchestra rehearsal because there's today and a short Mozart wind sectional tomorrow (OMG SOPHOMORE FLUTE FAILS AT COUNTING. FAILY FAIL FAIL. I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE'S ON THIS PIECE BECAUSE THE FLUTE SECTION FOR IT IS JUST HER AND SHE IS FAIL) and the day after that is the dress and the concert, so I have to be there. Even though just walking across the alley to the post office (to pay my electricity bill -- significantly more than the gas bill) made me want to take a nap. Here's hoping I can (a) survive the uphill trek from my parking lot to the music building and (b) fumble my way through rehearsal without incurring the conductor's wrath.

Also: Flatmate's chicken soup is uncharacteristically and disappointingly bland. Vastly improved with liberal amounts of salt. :c Still, v. kind of her to take pity on my pathetically ill self and share. More happily, Saturday's pumpkin mush is delicious :)

So, yeah. I stayed home from school today, to nurse my sinus pressure, sniffles, and post-nasal drip. I thought I didn't have a fever, but then it turned out I was just reading my thermometer wrong, and when I thought it said 98.6 it actually said 99.0. Hey, stop scoffing, it's a logical mistake to make, considering my poorly-designed thermometer. They made me get one of those mercury-free ones, and it's weird to read and it's massive and hard to keep under my tongue. Boo. So I had been planning to take a lazy day in the apartment with the kitties and all the homework I hadn't done.

Except Flatmate also stayed home sick, because she had "a tickle in her throat" and wanted to nip it in the bud. Which ruined my plans, and I ended up spending most of the day avoiding her under the guise of napping. GOD WHY DOES SHE TALK SO MUCH? I did nap for real, some, which was fine. Flatmate also made chicken soup, which is good and bad: good because her chicken soup is delicious (although I haven't had any of this batch yet because I haven't been hungry today, so I had breakfast around nine and then lunch around four and no dinner, although I did just eat a pop tart), but bad because it made the apartment hot and stuffy, and now everything reeks of onion.

And I still haven't done the (4-5 page) project for my one actual class with the school of education -- which is due tomorrow evening... I guess I'll do it tomorrow morning? I haven't decided if I'll go to work/class tomorrow, although I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to skip orchestra rehearsal since our concert is on Thursday. I might go to school just for orchestra and then go back home without going to the ed class afterwards. I did read the 40-page article that I was supposed to read last week, though... it was interesting, about education and social class, and the different kinds of knowledge that are taught at different class schools, and the reproductive or transformative powers thereof. But it was just 40 pages long and full of tiny blurry print and typos. Whatever.

Mostly, I'm just glad not to have died of sinus pressure today, like I thought I would when it woke me up at four in the morning. I wish I could have gotten more actual sleep, though. How can I be so bad at naps? And now that it's proper bedtime, why is it so hard to fall asleep?

1. BUT FIRST! a quiz. ( tarot )

2. Things I have cooked: ( cheesy bread, crepes )
Oh, speaking of cooking! That's what I did ALLLL MORNING today. Chocolate chip pancakes, which turned out a little too dry, maybe because I added some cocoa powder and it absorbed the milk? also I didn't measure the flour too painstakingly I guess. AND the little pumpkin my mum gave me was actually a PIE PUMPKIN! And I didn't make a pie with it, but I did scrape it out (with much elbow-grease) and make PUMPKIN MUSH by stirring its innards up with an egg, condensed milk, sugar, and spices (cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves), pouring it into casserole dishes, and sticking it in the oven (no, I didn't measure anything here, either). I tried to roast the seeds (sprinkled half with sugar, half with salt, plus various spices on both sides, including cinnamon, chili powder, ginger, curry powder, and I forget what else) but I ended up burning them to a blackened crisp and setting off the smoke alarm and making the kittens hide under the bed. Oops.

3. Star Trek waffles! ( Also, I swear I don't hate Flatmate ALL the time. )
I do wonder how these actors feel about having their faces on waffles, and people eating them. I guess it's probably about the same as having their faces all over any other kind of promotional materials or tie-in merchandise or whatever.

4. Downtown LA and the opera costume shop sale: ( graffiti, a van, and fangirling a professor )

5. Travel fun: ( my commentary on a packet of peanuts )
I also had some napkins that were pretty great, but I have mislaid them. I really hope I didn't leave them tucked inside Dorian Gray when I returned it to the library :\

6. And some random stuff! ( YAAAAAY )

COMING UP NEXT: EPIC KITTEN PICTURES POST. (srsly, EPIC.)

BUT FIRST! btw that concert tonight? ( THIS: )

Flatmate's reaction to finding guavas in fridge: Whoa, what are those fruits?

My (internal) reaction to Flatmate finding guavas in fridge: What exactly are you doing poking around in opaque bags in the crisper drawer that is mine? we have two crisper drawers and you and your excess of food and ineffecient usage of space are already taking up 2/3 of the fridge instead of half, you can't have my crisper drawer as well. >:c

My (out-loud) reaction: GUAVAS. *continues readying package for mailing in bedroom*

Wow, I'm kind of a bitch. Whoops.

In other news, I've been doing a lot of bassoon-related soul searching. My lessons feel a lot like therapy. It's.... weird. Last week we talked about prioritising and so this week I practised like a mofo, which felt good, even when I got really frustrated. (and I did get really, really frustrated. more on that. like, wanting to smash things frustrated. also, it worries me that my immediate reaction/urge is to turn to physical violence, be it smashing a reed or saying, offhand, "Punch him/her in the face.") Yesterday was about decreasing muscle tension in my hands and arms, which was fine, except to do that we spent about 45 minutes on JUST that, playing the top fifth of the top octave of an e-flat major scale. And then we spent the rest of the lesson talking about my frustration and what is causing it, because it was fairly pressing this week, and because we'd broached the topic last week when I mentioned that Dan and I are talking about grad school and he asked me how I feel about my playing and my initial reaction was something along the lines of "Oh, no."

--------------

And then I fell asleep. I should probably mention that the "frustration" talk involved me crying. *sigh* But all is well! Except I was a little annoyed that I didn't get to play any of the pieces I've been learning, because I worked the shit out of them.

Good morning, y'all!

SO! I'm pretty sure I DO in fact have ANOTHER GODDAMN EAR INFECTION. HOWEVER, I was not able to get to the student health center this morning because I WAS AN HOUR LATER THAN I MEANT TO BE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

I got to school approximately at 9, and had a brief, frustrating practise in which I chose the two etudes I'll be learning for the next few months and in which I FORGOT to practise scales for my lesson and in which I ran out of time to go over the sonata and solo pieces I'm supposed to be learning. WHOOPS. It was particularly frustrating because I was away from my bassoon all weekend and yet did NOTHING PRODUCTIVE, and yesterday I was talking to my friend about being frustrated by my lack of technique but not knowing how to go about developing it but teachers expect incoming grad students to be pretty much set for technique and then they can feed their musical ideas into them but I feel like I'm the exact opposite. SO YEAH. frustrating. So now I feel frustrated AND unprepared for my lesson in half an hour.

Especially since I could only give myself an hour with my bassoon because I had to go to the library as soon as it opened at ten and WATCH VIDEOS FOR MY BUSYWORK CLASS. You know, the one where we could watch the videos during class time and get just as much out of it, BUT NO, we have to listen to the teacher tell INANE MEANDERING STORIES and then cringe and fidget when she calls on the DUMBEST GIRL EVER to ALSO tell inane meandering stories because she is TOO FUCKING DUMB to articulate her thoughts coherently.

FUCK, INTERNETS. FUCK.

and my hair is awful today and my reeds are crap and i sound like crap and my eyes weren't focusing right and why am I breaking out and i think I gave myself a fat lip trying to put reams of printer paper into a filing cabinet and my to-do list has had the same 5 things on it for the last two weeks and i still haven't done them because i SUCK AT LIFE and EVERYTHING ABOUT TODAY IS TERRIBLE, OKAY.

at least i remembered my goddamn sandwich. fuck.